Think I may have lost a friend . . .

Received a copy of this in a forwarded email from a friend. We have always disagreed politically, but have kept things pretty friendly. But goodness, gracious, I hate forwarded emails, especially when they're dumb and waste my time - and not from someone that I even know. And she knows I'm a pretty liberal person, and she chose to send it to me - I guess to say, 'ha, ha - look at this . . . ' so I thought it would be in good fun to send a little 'ha, ha' back.

My response:

I believe this was the agreement before the pilgrims came to America. . . We'll gladly take the shore states - but we'll leave you Texas to fight over with the Mexicans. Sounds like a grand idea, hope that the Independents don't get scarred in the custody battle, and hope your education system is left with some legs to stand on. I sure will miss my dad, a couple of friends and all you good ole' boys . . . but hey, at least we get to keep all the gays, communists and at least half of Joe Lieberman (you can have the top half, he's an ass to us anyway . . .) It was good while it lasted. Hope you find someone else to get together with, you know - to make that whole "United" thing still stand for something. Oh, and enjoy your Nascar and golf . . .


--Atheist, Subaru-driving hippie


p.s. Does this mean I have to take back my maiden name? I always thought 'France' sounded so much more lovely

We obviously don't have the same sense of humor.

(And for the sake of full disclosure, I am not an Atheist, I drive a Honda now, but have been driving a Ford Explorer for the last four years, and I do shave my armpits . . . all things I'm pretty sure she knows - I mean, heck, I was the maid of honor in her wedding - I just thought it would be a fun way to sign off.)

She sent this reply a day later:
Personally I wouldn't mind taking Texas. It has the largest population of Republicans, and we're not afraid of sending the Mexicans back where they belong. Our education system will be just fine. The way I see it now with the way things are going, I would have to put my (future) children in private school anyway...you know to keep them from the liberalist agenda. I don't mind working to pay the $10,000 a year tuition. You still want Joe's ass? Suprised!!! I will enjoy Nascar and golf...not a problem. The way I see it is the one's who really fight to keep this country safe are those who love Nascar, wrestling, and golf. They know what it means to actually fight for something that is meaningful and how we became so free, even if it does cost them their life.

With my country loving military, Rush Limbaugh, and Sean Hannity I think we'll do just fine on the "United" front. When all of your resources run dry, you can ask Obama if he'll let you phone a friend. I don't mind having you over for dinner, but you'll have to pray and thank Jesus Christ before you eat.

Love ya,
Your SUV driving, Jesus Christ loving, Conservative


Okay, so I hit a nerve, obviously. Or maybe she was just showing off for her friends (Reply All is a choice, you know). So, thought I could play this show-boating game. I mean, it was still a game:

Sure, we'll take Joe - we like free thinkers - and where else is he gonna go when you make him thank Jesus Christ before he eats? And while I am very sorry that I left out all of the wrestling fans in your proud base . . . THEY actually do know what its like to fight for something that is meaningful - those belts don't come cheap . . .I'll have to disagree that they are the only ones who have kept us so free . . . I am too proud of my soldiers and the people that fight for this country - across all political, religious, and social spectrums - to limit my respect to only those that represent my ideology. And as much as you'd like to think, we bottom feeders will be okay without you - our resources are limitless - and much easier to tap without your agenda attached. And really, Rush and Hannity? - if they're the ones who are pulling you together, its going to be a shame to watch you fall apart. Because I like having you guys around - you keep things interesting. And by interesting, I mean enlightening. And by enlightening, I mean entertaining. And by entertaining, I mean that we laugh at you.

--Fickle Humanitarian Buddhist

Or, so I thought:

Really, Well when your Scott Peterson's, Charles Manson's, baby killers, baby rapists, you name it need to be fed too, please Enjoy!! If you would like us to take care of them for you like we do with everything else. We'll take care of them for you EXECUTION style.

Free thinkers, huh. More like free loaders. Please enjoy my hard earning tax dollars while I wake up every morning at 4:30 to go to work. While your I won't get a job because I am too damn lazy, won't get out of bed, government handout, the world owes me everything type of people live off of my money. Free thinkers!!! You helped appoint a man in office that you want to do all the thinking for you. PLEASE. If you would like me to keep going, I'll be here all month. Again, please enjoy my tax dollars....hope it feeds your parties addiction.

Oh and where healthcare is concerned, when the only providers left that you on your side are those that perform abortions and you can only get your diluted prescriptions from Canada. Good Luck with that!! I really pray for you not to get sick.

Well you did say you wanted Joe's ass. We'll take his brains, it seems to be his better half these days. He's coming around. Joe doesn't mind praying. We've seen him do it a time or two. We respect all kinds of religions. Hello!!! Jews are the chosen people!!!

Your too proud of your soldiers, the ones that your party decided to say we did not win the war. The 4,000 plus people that lost their lives, so you could rant and rave in your email. Nice going. Way to pay them back.

You're right, your soldiers. My cousin is your soldier. As her father lay in a casket in KC. She's fighting for your simple freedom in IRAQ to keep you safe. Yeah, she didn't get to go to her fathers funeral because she was fighting for those who lost their lives on 911. I am sure her and the rest of my family that fought for you to keep you on your soap box and say ridiculous things such as you do, would be so proud. Thank you for letting them put their lives on the line for you.

AND, YES WE DID WIN THE WAR!!!! You might want to let your holy leader BARACK OBAMA know that. He's not a free thinker, so you might want to help him with that.

Too bad that your party doesn't realize that the foundations of this country were built on the principles of Jesus. No matter where you go or what you do, he's everywhere. He's on the money that your party cashes every month from my tax dollars, to the pledge of allegence, to the scribes on the capital buildings. Sorry, but if my party has it our way, he'll continue to still be there. And, I will fight for it every step of the way.

I think it is funny you say something about Rush and Hannity. Please let me know what you like to refute and by all means, I will be more than happy to prove where they are not wrong. Sorry we look to people that know what they're actually talking about.

News flash. You live in a country founded on being able to get up in the morning and do things for themselves. Such as think, do well, get a job, have a career, have a family and live happily ever after. What part of that can your party not understand. Oh, they aren't given the resources that's right. Well neither was I, and look at me know. Hmmmm LIVING THE AMERICAN DREAM. What a concept.

You can laugh all you want, but when your annointed one can't save you, please ask Buddha what to do. He's so enlighting, he may have a couple of pointers for ya. Who will be laughing now...hmmmm

Your friend,
The bible beating freak, still loving Jesus, life loving CONSERVATIVE

She obviously put a lot of time into this response, so I wasn't going to take it apart line by line, but I couldn't just let it go. I thought I'd soften the discourse by giving a one-line response so that she didn't feel like this had to go on and on:

I'm sure Jesus would be very proud of your last email - executions and all.

--Hard-working, tax-paying, definition-of-'win'-knowing, non-label-taking, good-English-spelling, can't-stop-laughing, and, whether you like it or not, just-as-American-as-you, American.

Now she's just confusing me:

You're so right. I should ask Scott Peterson to come over for some tea. Maybe I should invite Dr. Phil too. Just as American ask me...thank you for proving my point!!!

Again, the bible beating freak, Jesus loving, Conservative.

Help me, my friends - what is her point? I've been trying to figure that out. Did I vote for Scott Peterson, or do I spout the wisdom of Dr. Phil?

It's just such a disappointing way to end this discussion . . .